Saturday, February 7, 2009

Trechery and Sabotage: A True Story

I was at work. It was 4:30.
I get off at 5 after I take the mail down to the mailman in the receiving room.
Homegirl Linda of Cyclecide works down there, and she called me down early to "see this email that is so fucked up". I love gossip and helpin' a sistah out.
I get down there and lean over the computer and WHAM! there is a hood over my head. Then I am getting handcuffed. I try to feel the hands to see who they are, if I can recognize them. They all had gloves on, so no luck. I look down in the hood and could make out a few shoes, none of which I recognized. They then tied my feet together. Before I could figure out what was going on, a body bag was thrown over me and my waist was tied. I had been gotten. With all of my crazy kungfu training, I couldn't get out.
They picked me up and ran me down the street to the back of a car.
They weren't talking, so I still couldn't tell who they were. I had a few guesses, but it wasn't obvious.
The music in the car was turned up very loud. It was Mozart. Very Clockwork Orange. They were driving like maniacs. I had two scarves, two hoodies, a long trenchcoat, and a hat on, underneath the hood and bodybag. I was getting extremely hot. I started writhing around. Trying to free myself of the bodybag at least. I am screaming, "I'll give you whatever you want! Let me go!"
Someone, in a disguised voice, by talking while inhaling, said that it was no use and that I was going to die. Well, I am an Agent, and I have seen countless heroic flicks where nothing can keep down the hero. So I start wrigling more and more. I get the outer belt around the bodybag loose so I can maneuver inside the bodybag. I try to untie my feet with my handcuffed hands. I don't get a chance because someone sits on me. I struggle and struggle but it gets too hot and I was hyperventilating. I had to stop and chill. I was thankful they didn't hit me because it would have been so easy. The heat was unbearable with all my layers and my adrenaline. I took the time to try to figure out my surroundings. I was feeling the kidnapper atop me for signs of who it was. I touched through the bodybag some of the objects in the back of the car. I felt like I was in the movie Sneakers and I needed to be aware of my surroundings in case I made it out alive, I would be able to put the details together to catch these culprits.
I am slowly moving my feet to my chest, to continue in my plight to untie my feet. That should give me more ability to kick or run should I get the chance. At this point I think I know who's car I am in because of the crinkly sun protector I keep rubbing against. I pull off the hood with my bound hands and try to peer through the zipper holes in the bodybag, to get a head count of who is in the car. The person sitting on me doesn't allow this. Damn. This is hard! I keep trying, and I vaguely make out three more masked heads, more like black blurrs through the zipper holes.
We come to a stop. I am bummed because I wasn't paying attention to the directions we turned, and I have no idea where we ended up. They get out, except the person subduing me. It is then I realize that the handcuffs aren't all the way tight. They are not the joke handcuffs, they are real. No secret escape latch. I need keys. But I can slip them off, in a very painful way. Here I am in a bodybag, free hands, bound feet, and a captor laying on me. I pull off my scarves thinking I might be able to use them as ties. I unzip the bottom of the bag and get my feet out in a breathy struggle. This exposes the villians feet. I connect one of the handcuffs around their foot. As I am trying to get their hand as they are struggling with the new developement of the footcuff. They close the handcuff so I can't get it around them. They don't remember that if there is nothing holding the cuff in place, it can swing around and it is open again. We struggle for a while more. By this time I am determined to win. I eventually get one of their hands in the cuff and from there I overpower them all together. I pull of the skimask and see my friend KT. Oh you are going to get it. I put her skimask on, and put my hood over her head. Then I stick her in the bodybag. I am sitting on her, with her skimask on, periodically banging on the side of the car yelling, " Let me out!!!" to throw the other folks off the trail. The car's windows are steamed up, but I can see that we are at the docks. This is a popular skateboarding spot, and I bet the young boarders are very curious what is going on in the shaking car over there with the screams coming out of it. The other team members had gone to procure a canoe. When they return to let us out of the trunk, I take off running. They are befuddled at first, but take off after me. The skaters have stopped and are staring. A woman walking her dog is gaping in horror at the sight of a skimasked girl running for her life with three nylon faced people running after her. The captors realize what has happened because I only have one shoe on and the other girl has freed herself from the bodybag.
To my chagrin, they catch me. The hood goes back over my head. This time they double handcuff me and lead me to the water. We carefully get in the boat. I can't see what is going on and now the game has gotten more serious. It is hard to swim while double handcuffed, I imagine. The skiff we are in starts accumulating water. They are paddling with all their might. Are they going to dump me over? If 007 could get out of this, I still can. My feet are getting wet, and the boat almost tips over a few times. We come to a stop, and they guide me up an embankment. As soon as everyone gets out of the flooding boat, they take off my hood and handcuffs and we are on a barge a friend made called the Golden Goose.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" they yell. In front of me are my four favorite people in the world with black makeup around their eyes and triumph lighting them. They have a bottle of booze, some princess food, and a campfire on the way.
What a great birthday present. A girl couldn't ask for anything better.
We spent the rest of the night laughing and drinking as the lights of the bay shined and sparkled on the best November 25th I have ever had.

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